It's a pittance, to be sure

But you've sold me!

I wrote this watching the guilty article in question while flying from Dulles to LAX, and have only just remembered that I finished editing it, sort of. I sent to Simon, who has rightly been pestering me about it for a while now, and realised it would be great filler material for the blagoblag! Especially given in the light of the recommendations by some people *cough* *cough*

17 Again

It really is hard to describe how terribly bad this movie is. From its insipid scripting to the incredibly vapid acting to outright offensiveness, the movie plumbs the depth of what it is to prostitute yourself to focus groups. The overall thematic is that of a 17-year-old wise beyond his years/has a conscience kinda thing. It doesn’t help that Efron is a crappy, crappy actor for the job, and the scripting is terribly terribly boring.

Witness the witless dialogue (“I’m a lot closer to them than you think.” GROAN. “Why is that new kid waving at me?” “I don’t know, but if he were an apple, he’d be delicious.” BARF) Totally charmless direction (what is this person’s idea of humour? Or characterisation? Or directorial vision?) Scoring that tries to oh so hard to be cinematic; note to who ever is scoring this, quit trying to be John Williams. Painfully clichéd camera/montage work, which climaxes ever so wretchedly with a contrived lightsaber scene.

Zac. Efron. Cannot. Act. He is waaaaay out of his league on this one. He’s a kid, who’s pretending to be a middle-aged guy, who has to pretend to be a kid? He can barely manage ‘kid’. He’s not even very good at basketball! Worse, he’s not even convincing pretending to be good at basketball!

A notable and worthwhile mention to Matthew Perry; he’s a little typecast these days as “Chandler” i.e. bitter, satirical, wittyish one-liner deliveryman, but it’s a role that suits him well, and a role that he plays well. The interaction between Perry and rest of cast is enjoyable, if a little formulaic. Thomas Lennon is also quite good, but I have a feeling that this is only because of contrast with how uncomfortably amateurish Ze Efron is.

So, obviously, though Perry is by far the better actor, they substitute the easy on the eyes (and hopefully easy in all the other ways that matter as well) Efron for the bulk of the movie. There is a lot, a lot, of screentime for him. Yeah, too much. Unless he shows more skin (and it better be egregious amounts of skin), I’m going to keep imagining punching him in his smug, self-satisfied face. NB: the malice may be going a bit far, but fuck it, he’s irritating. I guess I should be charitable in some way, and say that he’s quite good at the physical stuff; stick to the singing and dancing, kid.

What the hell was the point of that opening dance sequence? What the hell is this movie doing? And oh my god do you have to pound the principal idea of the goddamn title into our heads over and over again? We get it, he missed out on being 17.

Incredibly predictable sub-plot about his kid wanting to go out with head cheerleader, complete with jock-bully antagonist who’s fraternizing with the daughter? Check. Oh add a secondary sub-plot with klutzy, kookie sidekick trying to kindle lost romance in irritatingly kitschy ways? Also check. Ironically, Thomas Lennon’s acting and delivery is actually not half-bad, given what he has to work with.

I never, ever, want Zac Efron to ever say the word psychiatrist or bravado ever again. In any context.

Waxing jokes? Really?

Wha…I…No one…You…let…Zac…monologue in the health class scene. What can I possibly say? What’s probably even more horrifying is that this is only the first of many. Many. *shudder*

Aaand then they make fun of geeks. And then gays. How many stereotypes are you going set up and knock down? Do you think that this gives your more interesting? Is this what you think 'diversity' is?

I haven’t finished watching this movie, and nobody needs to. It’s hard to find a reason to see this movie, much less like it; a hackneyed clichéd effort that’s a waste of celluloid and a waste of time. I’m not going to bother cataloging all the its many and severely aggravating sins, or documenting the many many ways this movie is deplorable. Unluckily for me, I was a captive in a pressurized metal tube. Don’t make the same mistake.


ENJOY! It was amusing writing this while sitting next to christian dude from Colorado, who actually seemed to be enjoying the movie. Certainly made him squirm uncomfortably in his seat.