We’re just holding on to nothing
To see how long nothing lasts

See, no title for a change.

I've put on weight, steeped myself in culture, trying to get flexible in every context possible and I have to start exercising seriously.

So many things to do, and so much time to do them...

I can't be bothered to talk. It's 2 in the morn here, don't ask what I'm doing up. I'm a little unsure I should sleep or not, I probably will. It's not really that important.

What do you value more? kindness or loyalty?

Otherwise, I might be going away for New Years, so Happy New Years and all (though my utilitarian side doesn't really see anything special about it, it's just another day, just another year....)

Hope people have fun in whatever they're doing, I'm feeling kinda depressed from sleep deprivation and listening to Sea Change. Yes, I probably should go to sleep, but nyeh.

To all I wish good luck and happiness.

Night.

Wow.

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.

I can't believe this. I actually got what I wanted for Christmas.

Well, atleast partially. But hell, I still can't believe it. I guess there are such things as Christmas miracles. Who would have known...

I've decided to be all talkative and chatty, well, cause I can. Things have happened which I really didn't expect it to, so it's been good.

I'm leaving today on Christmas around 10 for my little foray into America, and considering that I'm going to be spending crazy amounts of time in a car, I prudently decided not to sleep. Yes, I chose to. Oh shut up.

Anyway, for the next week or so, i'll be gone. I'm going to be visiting NYC, Washington D.C., Baltimore, hopefully Boston, and am probably going to go to Ottawa and Canada.

Christmas has been the rampant consumerist thing it always is over here, and despite my pleading not to get me anything, my relatives get me something. How annoying. I got lots of new clothes (Shut up, I like those clothes, and I chose some of them), money, a gift card and a little remote control car. And Books. Don't forget that.

For some reason, this family (and by the way, I mean my relatives in general) seem to have an almost unusual affair with Christmas. They insist on wrapping presents, and they bought a lot. I mean, A LOT. The best estimate was approxiamately 60 or so presents under the tree. and that doesn't include other presents that were opened early, that hadn't been wrapped, etc, etc. My aunt is a doctor, and a highly popular one to boot (she has something like a 15-month waiting list), so she makes a lot of money, meaning lots of buying. Somewhat insane, I think.

I have new reason to be optimistic, I've getting drunk off Sea Change, I got everything need and some of what I want, so what's not to like?

The fact that the only thing that ever seems to jolt me out of stupors and reveries is another persons pain. There's nothing quite like perspective and sadness to throw you into action.

Absolutely revolting that it has to be that way, doesn't it?

My brother got a mp3 player, i'm not sure how to feel about it, resentful or jealous? which suits me better? i'd say jealousy, i've always been the jealous type, green suits me better, I think.

Going to try and remain terribly optimistic for the rest of the year, which is around 6 days, but for me, that's gonna be a new record.

My mind fucking hates me, and forces me to remember things that I really don't want to, and I'm absolutely powerless to stop it. I'm going to show that brain who's boss.

Either way, considering it's actually proper Christmas here now, I'll wish everyone a Happy Christmas. God I hope everything and everyone work out.

I have but one wish for next year: to see my friends and me get through it intact. That's what I really want.

Anyway, enough of this needless rambling, hugs for everyone, I love you all too much to say in words or express actions, so why should I bother doing anything?

Just something I've been thinking about.

All shall be revealed next year, all my travels, all my thoughts, whether you want it or not.

Oh I'll ride
Farther than I should
Harder than I could
Just to meet you there.

Au revoir, gentle souls. I wish you nothing but the utmost joy and prosperity in whatever you pursue.

Au revoir.

Happy Holidays.

I've decided to update for Christmas Eve, it being Christmas Eve and all.

Christmas over here is a odd affair, it being celebrated and not quite at the same time. There's way too many gifts around here, my aunt makes a lot a money. Probably a bit too much.

How needlessly extravagant. Anyway, that aside, hope everyone is well and I want to see you all as soon as I can.


Happy Holidays everyone :)

Sorry, nothing much.

I'm really blogging here for the sake of blogging, it's not really for anything.

I'm fine for the most part, and i'll be gone for the next few days. Going to a lot of places, NYC, Washington D.C., Boston, Baltimore, Ottawa and probably other places that I can't think of.

Hope everyone is having fun in their selected holidays, i'm not going to be blogging for a while. It conflicts with a few of my principles, and until I straighten those out, there's not going to be much talk from me.

Happy Christmas if you do celebrate it, and even if you don't, have fun anyway.

Bye everyone.

Pretty trinkets and blinking lights.

Gah. Bah. Bad day.

Still don't like me.

*sigh*

Revolution is not a onetime event.

Yay! another nothing day!

My screwed up sleeping cycles are annoying the fuck out of me. I go to sleep at 9 and wake up at 2 in the morning, then go back to sleep at 6. I wake up again at 12, annoyed for missing half the day. *grumble* it's just me bitching, pay no attention to it.

Are you paying attention to it? cause if you are...

I'm going to NYC tomorrow and this weekend, quite happy for that. I am going to the cultural places rather than ultra-yuppie stuff, so it's all good.

Also going to Washington D.C. over the Christmas period, i'll keep you updated on that as well.

Gah. Annoyed as hell cause I just coastered a CD. Damn it. Meh, there's more where they came from.

Eating pomegrenate, reading Harry Potter, could life get any better?

Well, obviously, yes!

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

Night all.

A one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

I always liked that line.

Had some fun today, my days are starting to get busy. Woke up lateish (around 11.30 or so) which is starting to piss me off. Jetlag is still somewhat there, though it's starting to fade. I've got crap coming over the next few days, so I need to plan shit out now.

Watched LOTR: ROTK (that's Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, if you really need it) today, wraps the series up really well. If anything, it has even more fighting than the second one, but has it's movie and dramatic moments as well, so it's quite good. It's 3.5 hours, but you won't notice it. Jackson's done quite a good job on this one.

Went to the movie at 12.45 only came back out at 4.15 or so. Came back to my aunts place and then went out again around 6ish to a mall. I've got to start budgeting so I can get gifts for all you people and everyone I can think of. I bought myself a cookie (and damned expensive that was, 1.49) and walked around the mall, fishing for crap. Found some stuff i'm willing to buy, time will tell..

Am definitely going to NYC (yay!), going this friday and the weekend. I should get a list of places to go to, i'll figure it out soon.

Being the lazy fuck I am, I couldn't be bothered to send you proper greeting cards, so I sent you all E-cards™ (everything in America is trademarked...i'm surprised I can remember the combination for the ™ symbol. So enjoy you E-cards™.

I have to go organise my clothes, schedule a few things, crap like that.

Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer.

Night all.

Try our all new white meat nuggets!

That was an actual sign outside a fast food store.

Another day that's passed by. Did nothing today, finally finished Harry Potter 4. It's fat. 700 pages is too long for such a book. It's not bad, i'd still say that the third book was better. This one just seemed a little too protracted at times and she tries a little too hard at times to make the characters more complex. I mean, it's almost laughable to see how hard she tries to show the feelings Harry has for Cho. It actually has the opposite effect and makes feel more stereotypical rather than developing him into a more realistic and believeable character.

It's even more pronounced in the next book, where she shows mood swings, frustrations and and gets Harry to be more emotive. I can't tell how that's going to turn out, as I haven't read much of the 800 or so pages that makes up this monster of a book. It seems better, atleast in the first hundred pages, but if anything it's even more protracted than the last book, making it a little hard to read. That's saying something, as this is Harry Potter.

Inadvertenly found out what my Christmas present (after I told them not to get me anything like a trillion times) from one of my cousins is, she's giving me three Tolkien books. They're the related histories of Middle-earth stuff, Hopefully they're good. Though I'd rather not own those books. I don't have that big a bookshelf.

Another day of crap, I went out for little outings a lot. Went to Walmart for 'Snow pants', went to pick up cousin from school, learnt that this little town has a fairly seething underbelly. I'm just sitting around, reading various books, wanting to finish off the Potter series. I was going to the LOTR premiere tonight (it premiered tonight here) but my LAZY cousin kept putting off getting the tickets, and when she did go, they were sold out. Oh well. I'll just go tomorrow.

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

They don't know how true that is.

Going to work in my aunts office tomorrow, you can see how little I have to do here :P. i'm getting paid for it, so it's all good. Not like I care.

Probably will go to NYC sometime soon, I'll keep you posted on that.

Every thing in moderation, including moderation itself.

Au revoir, ladies and gentlemen.

Can you believe it? it's only been two days and i'm already out of ideas for titles...

Rationality is a harsh mistress. Just when you think you're finally right, she bludgeons you to the ground, leaving you stunned and dazed. Then, as you're struggling to get to up, she kicks in you in the ribs, again and again. You're completely winded and almost unable to breathe, there's a harsh clenching pain in your chest and you lie there, panting, gasping...

Day two

Did pretty much nothing today. I couldn't sleep, thanks to a combination of jet lag, soul-searching and reading, so I got up at 5 or so and got on MSN. Luckily, I was able to catch Jared and ended up talking to him for about an hour or so.

Spent most of my day after that reading. I've spent almost two days on Harry Potter 4, and I still haven't finished it. I'll finish it tonight.

Animals seem to like me, the dog always wants to sleep on my lap and the cat sits next to me while I read. Kinda nice, but a little annoying.

Went to the mall today in the evening, trying to decide what the hell I should buy for all you people. I haven't made up my mind as of yet, so I expect that you give me suggestions. By that, tell me.

See, that's the problem with America. Choice. I order one subway sandwich, and by the time the counter lady asks me whether I want parmesan cheese on my sub, I'm lying on the floor drowning in a pool of my own saliva.

That's the other thing. I'm not vegetarian anymore...atleast till the end of the year. I know it's not that long, but I have some plans for next year, so I have to do this. I can't be bothered to put the reasoning for this up, you can ask me if you want if you see me on MSN or something.

Convincing people that they can't get me gifts, I don't want anything anyway. You cannot get me something. I mean that. If you feel obligated to get me something, you're wrong. Horribly horribly wrong.

Doing more fun soul-searching, staying up at odd hours, everything is cold. and snowy. Lotsa snow.

Castles in the air - they are so easy to take refuge in. And so easy to build, too.

I have lots - Would you like to come in?

Have fun all. Night.

I'm here! Day 1...

WARNING! WARNING! NEEDLESSLY LONG POST AHEAD!

Ah after my 16 hours (not 20 bajillion, as some people have noted) of flying or so, my butt is sore.

No, I actually mean it. My butt is sore.

I've been sitting on the damn thing for so long, it hurts. It actually hurts for me to sit down now. Ouch. That's cause I'm sitting down, see?

Anyway, getting here was pretty damn boring. First flight was 13 hours long, upon which I didn't sleep at ALL, and watched copious (alright, 4) amounts of movies. Watched Mambo Italiano, Swimming Pool, Finding Nemo and S.W.A.T (Not neccessarily in that order)

Met a couple of girls whom we were put with cause we were young persons, which basically means you have a person at every airport directing you to where to go and what to do and all that. Not exactly like a babysitter, but more like a guide. Lindsey and Whitney (See? I can remember names) live in Sydney (Blacktown or somewhere like that, I think). I think that were born in the States or something. They have US passports and have parents who stay in the states. They were going to Iowa to see their parents.

I wasn't really all that affable or that nice to them cause I couldn't be bothered too and the fact that I had absolutely nothing in common with them. My brother talked with them a lot, so it didn't really matter.

Swimming Pool was basically a movie with soft-core porn splashed in for a reason that I don't know (effect? nudity? ratings? the fact that the director said he liked working with the naked body? we will never know). There's quite a bit sex and general nudity in general. I mean, the hot (and yes, she is HOT) female support (she's the one you saw in the ad sunning herself by the pool) frequently has her top off. A LOT. I think the reasoning for that went like this:

Director: "What's she doing now?"
Supporting crew: "She's making coffee."
Director: "Well, she doesn't need her top on to make coffee, does she?"

And i'm actually serious, she doesn't actually have her top on when she was making coffee. Not that I'm complaining.

The whole movie doesn't make quite too much sense though. It's about how the lead actor is a disspiritied author who wants some new inspiration and the publisher recommends that she stay at his house in France. His daughter also lives there. The rest of the movie was basically about how the women goes from a uptight, prissy woman who re(?)discovers her feminity and her spirit. Some of it didn't make too much sense though. For example, the HOT supporting actress, is giving some guy a blowjob. Then, for some reason, he pushes her off (it's a movie, it doesn't have to make sense). Now, in so far as I can tell, I have absolutely no idea why the HOT supporting actress takes a rock and kills him. What the hell? then again, that guy did refuse a blowjob, I wouldn't know what the feeling is when people refuse to allow you to give them blowjobs. (Yes, I can see the inevitable joke).

Either way, you atleast understand the basic point of the movie which was the nudity, the pseudo-pornographic bits, and the HOT supporting actress.

Mambo Italiano turned out to be a lot better than I expected. It's basically about taking a ethinc stereotype, which in this case was Italian, and placing that within a minority, which was gay.

It's about this gay Italian guy who comes out of the closet to his parents. This leads to complications which leads to him breaking up with his partner, his anguish over that and the fact that his partner is now bi. It's kinda weird, though seeing as he doesn't make up with his partner, who ends up going and getting married, and he ends up seeing a new guy. Had lots of interesting plot twists and other interesting crap like that.

It's funny at times too. For example, the lead actor goes to apply for a counseling hotline for gays. At the meeting of everyone, they're all in a group therapy thing. They were all saying their reasons to join the hotline. One womans was: If I could prevent one gay teen to put a bullet through his head and instead say, 'Gay, Gay, I'm gay and if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourselves you twisted motherfuckers!', then I would have done my job.

I'm not going to a indepth review of S.W.A.T. Rest assured, it's not much more a than action-adventure movie about a S.W.A.T teams misadventures. It's not that great.

And Nemo, well, it was Nemo. I don't need to say much more than that.

I think you'll want me to talk about what happened to me rather than what movies I saw and what I thought about them. It's just a fluke thought, though.

Anyway, after the hideous long flight (during which I developed a few backaches and most of my limbs atrophied) I arrived at Los Angeles. There's something distinct about America. You go outside, it look just like Sydney, yet...it has that distinctive feel of America in it. It's America.

One umpleasant thing was that the first thing that stares at you when you first land in L.A. is Bushs' face. They have a photo of his ugly little mug staring at you just when you enter. Yeech.

We got sped through customs and security (again, thanks to that young persons thingy) and we were left to ourselves at our departure gate with Lindsey and Whitney. They were catching a different flight to us, to Denver I think it was. Didn't do much in L.A, I bought some onion rings. After that experience, I vowed never to buy onion rings again.

The Burger King had art on the walls. Good Art. No, really, some of the abstract and surreal stuff was actually good. Only in America.

Understand now that I'm starting to get a bit tired of this, typos will be a lot more frequent, and I still have a long way to go.

Our connecting flight to Chicago was delayed by about 15 mins, which ended up wih us almost missing the connecting flight to Syracuse. Our flight AA1612 was delayed and arrived late at Chicago O'Hare Airport. This meant that our connecting flight to Syracuse, flight 4092, would have taken off without us. Thankfully, we were able to catch the flight just in time and got to Syracuse around 12.15 a.m. local time.

We got picked up by our uncle at Syracuse, since where we're staying now is about 45 mins from the airport.

Word of advice: Don't pick up snow with your bare hands. When it's negative degress outside and you pick up snow with your bare hands, your hands hurt a lot from the resulting cold. I mean A LOT.

Got to my uncles place, I didn't feel too sleepy, but once I put my head to the bed, I went out like a light. That's because I didn't sleep at all during the flight(s).

I always wondered what the saying meant.

Anywho, I was woken up around 11.30 by my uncle. That was kinda annoying, but I decided I probably should wake up and get out of bed. So I did and had some breakfast, and then went off to my aunts place, which is further up the road.

Getting pedestrian, isn't it? Don't worry, it's gets a lot more pedestrian after this.

Met my cousins, everyone was duly happy. I don't remember much more of the day, except me bitching a little about how the weather is annoying. As I speak, it's been snowing for about 10-15 hours now. This means it's dark. All the time. It's around 10.15 here and it's 2.15 or so in Sydney. So get on MSN!!! I'm not going to get much of chance to see you on MSN at night, the 16 hours of time difference is a bitch.

My day has been mostly pointless. I've just roaming around the house, playing with the pets (two cats and a dog, all incredibly friendly) and reading a little of Harry Potter 4. And of course, this entry which has taken me the upward of an hour or so.

I'm going to spend 6 weeks or so pointing out all the things that are in America, persuade a few of my relatives to vote Democrat or atleast not Bush, and read some.

A few (well,not really) last words: Napkins are incredibly useful things to write on if you don't have any paper. And socks. You get socks when you fly on insanely long trips on Quantas. Invaluable, those thing. Of course, I would never them, but invaluable nevertheless.

I've got more I need to write about, but I don't want to waste everything here.

So there you have it. My flight and my first day in America.

Take care now. Bye.

One more thing: My birthday is in a month exactly. If you want to know what will happen if you get me a gift, ask Jared. I can't be bothered to type it up here.

Final revelations of my mind.

I've just had an okay (which right now means fucking brilliant) day turn into a wonderful (which means this one ain't gonna come again for a long while) day.

Today has felt incredibly long, and yet it's already 9.30. I went to school and found out circus was cancelled. Came back home, music loaded (which basically means I'm going to listen to everything I have ) and then headed back to school for pointless sideshow crap.

Met jared, bob and carla at school, walked around looking at crappy little acts of sideshow stuff, while simultaneously showing off my deformed juggling skills.

Said goodbye to appropriate people, Bob and Jared decided to stay for dance thingy, have fun.

To tell you the truth, I really rather not go to the states. I'd much rather stay here with you guys and spend more time with you all, but I'm trying to be more rational and I realise I'm not going to get this type of chance later in life, so I want to make the full use of this opportunity. I know that's selfish and all, but you can forgive me for that.

I'm going to have to put my feelings on hold for six weeks. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do something of that magnitude. I have a feeling I can, but I'm usually wrong. When you think you can do something, you're probably right. For me, if I think I can, I'm wrong. If I think I can't, I'm probably right.

I just have this nagging feeling of unsatisfaction over today. It's just odd; I thought it's just the overhanging feeling of unsatisfaction I usually have. But it's different. It's not so much as things could have been better; It's things should have been better.

I'm just fretting a lot right now. I'm worried sick over some people and over myself. I know everything will work out and all, but it's really hard for me to be optimistic after everything that's happened and after losing this much energy. I suddenly ran out of energy around 7ish today, feel really tired now.

Do you ever have that feeling when you get completely immersed in something? like for example, when you're reading, the book is just that good that you just keep reading and reading and then notice a few hours have passed and you haven't noticed a thing? it also occurs when you're writing. I can only remember it happening to me: It was year 7 or year 8. I was writing an essay or something for the Book The Cay (it's a half-decent book, probably worth reading) Mrs. Freney said it was very good. I thought it was actually pretty bad, but I never realised how much passion I had really put into it. I read it again and I realised I had done a half-decent job. I haven't had that feeling in a long while, reading or writing. I have flashes of inspiration, but nothing sustained and emotive enough for me to write anything worthwhile. I think it has to do with self-actualising. I'll explain that later. Either ask me or I'll throw it up at some other time. I can't do it now cause I have to go now and I'm a little too tired.

That was just a little thing that I wanted to get rid off, it's been on my mind somewhat recently.

Bah. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. So will every one else. I'm leaving soon, so don't worry about me at all. *hugs for you all*
I just saw Min-taec on MSN and talked to him a little so I'm happy. I'm music loading as we speak, I'll spend some more time music loading and then I'll go pack some more.

I can't think of anything to write about, I'll update extensively in the states and email and whatever else I can think of. I doubt I'll ever see any of you on MSN due to time differences (it's something like 14 hours), but it'll all be good.

Understand this, everyone: I don't keep anything from you that I don't keep from myself. I'm as honest with you as I could possibly be honest.

Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face
Do you realize we're floating in space -
Do you realize that happiness makes you cry
Do tou realize that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.

Bye bye everyone. Have a happy holidays.

On the subject of memories.

I've been tinkering around my memory a little, selective memory is really quite a bitch.

I frequently wipe memories and replace them with other things, usually things like politics, psychology, news, etc, etc. The reasoning is this: what is so damn interesting about my life? I mean, my past is so boring. I can't think of a single experience that was special to me. Every 'significant' memory I have never really seems that significant.

I can't think of an instance where i've had a unique memory. Something that only I would ever experienced, something that is truly unique to me. I cannot think of a single memory that is unique to me in that way.

The two methods I use to wipe memories is either feelings overlay or direct wipes. If I have a memory (these are old memories, my newer ones I don't denote any emotion) that has no appreciable emotion attached to it, if I find that the memory is uneeded, useless, etc, etc, I usually overlay the memories with feelings of annoyance, sadness, misery, etc. This consequently leads me to think less about those memories, as they cause me pain. This would lead to the eventual loss of the memory.

The second method is a little harder, and is usually used for larger, more 'important' things. Here, I start reliving a memory, and in the middle of it, stop, wait, and start thinking about something else. Eventually, I'm able to wipe the memory completely, even emotions. However, this method takes a while, and also requires a lot of willpower.

My newer memories are somewhat more problematic. Due to the fact that I don't attact any emotional connotations to them, they hang somewhat hazily. They don't quite stay anywhere. If I have to recall, I intellectualise and start remembering as a third person experience rather than a subjective memory. It stops becoming a memory and rather becomes more a story than anything.

I think I know why I do this. I have little or no emotional control, and so memories are strong emotional responses. With emotions, I either take in everything, which often leads to a breakdown of my mental system or I take in nothing. I often find it easier to reject all my emotions rather than try and deal with all of them.

Whatever memories I do have, they're crystal clear. For example, the day that I met Bob (And yes, I have tried to wipe this, in the middle of wiping, I stopped and decided not to, profusely sorry about that) I can remember almost every single detail of that day. Hell, if I tried to, I could probably remember what I ate that day. I remember what the weather was like, I remember what I said, how I reacted, almost everything.

Another thing is that I don't value any one event more than any other event. I find that things that endure mean more to me than does any one single event. I find the sum of things more worthy than any one thing.

That's all I can think of of my memories, long-winded crap does get boring. Got nothing else, I still have two hours, I should be able to get atleast most of my music listened to.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bid thee adieu.

True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway.

There’s a blue bird at my window
I can’t hear the songs he sings
All the jewels in heaven
They don’t look the same to me

I just wade the tides that turned
Till I learn to leave the past behind

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

Feeling oh so sentimental right now. It'll wear off soon.

Circus has been cancelled, actually kinda annoyed for that. it was stupid, slapdash and didn't make sense, but atleast I threw some effort into it. I have to go back at 5, so I have some time to burn.

I've decided to listen to all the best stuff I have, I'm not going to have much of a chance to get to listen to music over there, so i'm listening to about 2-3 hours of music and then I have to go back.

I have to finish packing, but that'll take about 30 mins at most, so I'm not really worried there.

I can't think of anything else that I need to do, I'm sure as hell hoping there isn't. Feeling oddly cheerful and talkative, could be the excitement of travelling overseas kicking in. Or something else.

Lonesome tears
I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for
Oh they ruin me every time
But I'll try
To leave behind some days
These tears just can't erase
I don’t need them anymore

How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel


Have fun while I'm gone. I'll promise to write. Bye.

Catch-22s...

I don't like generalisations because they miss the point. They sound somewhat dramatic but they miss the point and never describe the problems properly; I don't like specifications because they miss the point. They take too long and are prone to misunderstanding, and they miss the whole picture.

I figured out why I don't cry anymore. It's not so much as I can't cry, it's that I don't. I don't cry when I'm alone because it makes me feel even more alone and isolated; I don't cry when I'm around other people because I don't want to add to their own problems or draw attention to myself.

If you do not desire love, you do not desire life.

I'm doing this early because I have lot of stuff to do today, and I want to get this out of the way.

That's it. I'm at the end of my tether. I'm almost completely out of energy and I can't do anything. I'm going to for one last shot to stay alive. If this fails, I will die. I hate to issue things like these but I feel I have to.

I didn't go to graduation today. I felt too tired and I had to pack. I have to get costumes for drama.

It's an incredibly scary feeling to wake up in the middle of the night and have a sudden chill pass over you. It's even worse when you couldn't get to sleep till late and you're unable to go back to sleep. I've been having this for about 6 weeks now, and I can't handle it anymore.

I'm going for my last shot. If this fails, I'll be dead in a little over 6 weeks.

I'm sorry.

I love you all.

Bye.

Exhausted. Completely.

Didn't do much today. Just got kidnapped, tortured, thrown into secret egyptian lair, etc, etc. You know. The usual crap.

Was tired as all fuck today, I had a somewhat poor night of sleep.

I did sleep in the evening, though. This means I'm not going to be able to go to sleep till like 3 in the morning. *sigh*

It's already 10.44. I can't believe that. Damn time flies fast. I have to do like 80 majillion things before, God I hope I have the energy.

Why couldn't I just be a idiot? It's so much easier...

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Night all.

Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place.

I'll do a short review of the Nigel Kennedy concert. It won't be that great, but you're going to have to deal with it. It won't be so much of a review as so much as a long-winded recount of my day there.

The Nigel Kennedy Concert which I attented on the night of the 6th December was a masterpiece of theatrical and musical brilliance.

Nigel Kennedy is not a musician; no, he is a performer, an artist. Sporting an unshaven chin and dressed in clothes that would embarass a lesser musician, he is ebullient, unconventional and even rowdy at times. But through all this, he is able to display his mastery of the violin and his deep understanding of Vivaldian music.

The first half of the concert was composed (excuse the pun) of Concertos for Violins & Cello (Vivaldi). Inbetween all the pieces, he took time to converse jovially with the audience and even facillitated a domestic dispute. Witty, sharp and bitingly sharp at times (he remarked several times about the ugliness of Vivaldi and other major composers), he did not disappoint when it came to the music.

The second half of the concert showcased the centrepiece of the concert, which of course was Vivaldi's Four Seasons. This was played with impeccable skill and master ability. Hearing Vivaldi on CD is one thing, but hearing it played by a musician of such talent and such ability is completely another. His command of the violin really shined through in this half. The notes rang pure and clear through the concert hall and accompaniment of the Sydney Symphony Orchestra made for a breathtaking performance.

Credit must be extended to both Michael Dauth and Catherine Hewgill, for their addition through the violin and cello, respectively.

The Sydney Symphony Orchestra should also be mentioned for contribution on the night.

In conclusion, the amazing ability of Michael Kennedy and his wonderful ability of showmanship truly made for a once in a lifetime experience.

And yes, I will thank your expletive-free (relatively) speech on the night.

There. Done. That's not really a review as so much as me fawning over Nigel Kennedy. But what are you going to do. I have a strong suspicion that I'm going to find out, though.

Had a goodish day today, that damn bastard. Shut up and leave me alone. I've had enough pop psychology pumped into me for over 35 and a bit years. Go away.

Things are rushing to conclusions, I'm not really prepared for them. Eep. I better do something about that.

Sometimes it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.

A troubled mind.

A large enough mind can encompass the heart, and a large enough heart can encompass the mind.

Things seem like they're getting better. I guess that's good enough for now.

Decent day today, anything that involves creepy christmas guys has to be good.

And it was Dymocks, by the way, not Borders.

Concert was good, stuff seems good, I don't have anything to worry about...yet.

An errant wave.

Life, The Universe and Everything.

Tired...

Went and got the tickets for the States today. That took considerably longer than expected.

Going to concert today evening, it should be good. His (Nigel Kennedy) CD is coming out soon, I have to keep an eye out for that.

Listening to Coldplay a lot, simple to listen to.

*sigh* I hate this. I just have this repression of problems, it builds up, I do something stupid, and then everything comes back to normal for a little while, nothing actually gets solved. I just start repressing again, it builds up again, and so it goes...

Nothing seems different this time. It feels different somehow. Maybe that is the difference.

A tired sigh.

Google Search: miserable failure

Google Search: miserable failure

I have to show you this. This is fucking insane. You have got to be kidding me. You better see this quick, it won't be here for long.

If you act like nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong.

Have you ever noticed certain words in Japanese sound exactly like swear words in English? For example, "Shut the fuck up" ( Please stop making so much noise while having sexual intercourse) and "Fuck off" (I wish to have sexual intercourse with you)

Another pointless day. Learnt about alcohol and gambling. That doesn't seem so suprising now.

Finally going to concert, going on Saturday. Got crappy seats for it. Ah well, atleast got seats for it.

Nyah. Feel psychotic and crazy. Like Zim. I just need coffee! that's it, all to do with coffee, my precious coffee...stop looking at me like that.

Hedonism isn't working all that well. I can't even think of a convenient target to blame. Bad day. *nods wisely*

To quote Amal:

"It's awkward now going to Jareds house, like we used to."

"Why?"

"Because Jared's there."


A whispered goodbye.

Unfortunately, budget cuts prevent me from getting glitter. Will you accept brightly coloured pieces of paper?

Mood swings, repression, self-consciousness, generalities, specificities and judgemental.

What do those words mean? Damned if I know!

Does that mean I'm damned?

Yes. This is going nowhere.


I'm listening to Coldplay, I don't really like it, but I'm not really in the mindset to appreciate anything deeper. And it's so gloriously dramatic and romantic. Much much simpler than everything else.

Getting tickets to Vivaldi was much harder than expected, I didn't think he was that popular. I should, with any luck.

And are we doing anything this weekend? Jared, organise, I'd prefer not to, I'm a little busy. If you can't, I'll organise, I want to see you two together atleast one more time before I leave, and I'm not taking any chances.

To sleep, I guess.

Sleep well.

I'm obviously addicted to these things or am very, very, very lonely. You pick. *murderous eye twitch*

God-fucking-damn it!!!!!

Not having a good day, just switching from one vicious cycle to another, I am honestly going to lose it and hurt someone these days. God willing, that person WILL be me.

Does anyone give a fuck if I scream? Loudly?

Tired and hideously energetic at the same fucking time. Go figure.

I will see you all tomorrow.

Talk to you too, Min-taec.

Slightly better now. 85% cocoa chocolate is very soothing and irritating all at once. You have to love it.

EDIT 1: How the hell did I get Kim on my MSN list?!?! Min-taec....I don't particularly mind, just that it seems a little odd that she gets me on her list now...