I'm just in this ever so happy mood, it's really quite insane. Considering you all probably don't have much of an idea on why the hell i'm so retardedly happy (cause I don't have much an idea myself) i'll treat you all to a looong post.
To tell you the truth, I haven't had the best past few days.
The weekend was somewhat of a mess. Saturday, I didn't enjoy it quite as much I thought I would. I hadn't eaten enough that day, the heat was probably a little oppressive, and well, something went wrong. I was feeling a little detached and the stuff that we talked about that day, and what happened, it set something off.
Did anyone actually get the allusion that I made on Saturday? I'm presuming you're all familiar with the phrase, 'To open a can of worms', and what do you go fishing with? Know what I was fishing for, and why I didn't want to?
I ended up crying that night, and I went into some odd little tirade in my head to make myself feel worthless so that I wouldn't have to tell anyone.
On Sunday, I also started being fairly masochistic, in order to increase the self-loathing. Ever done the rubber band on the wrist thing to yourself? stick a rubber band on your wrist and snap it. Keep doing it for a few hours. It hurts. I ended up getting this nice streak of blue bruises across my left wrist, and another streak of red across my right wrist. At one point, I was damn close to cutting my wrists in order to heighten the pain, but couldn't. (I had the knife pressed to my skin, but didn't have the physical or mental strength to make that final cut.)
I didn't do much that day. I got out of the house, went to a park to brood. Stuck around there for a few hours, penned down lyrics of a couple Beck songs, wrote a couple of bad poems and drew really really badly. I mean BAD. In the end, decided that I would try and actually do something, rather than agonise.
The difference here and when i've had a depressive episode in my life is that this time, I was able to remember the good times I've had as well as the bad. I'm not quite ready yet in order to give up entirely.
And this after missing my iron pills for three days now.
However happy I seemed to be today, it was fake. A farce. A visage. A facade. A charade. A chicanery. It was that irrelevant, irrevenant, type of happiness that children face. A sort of disrespectful, childlike bliss. Ignorant bliss, you could say. It was actually a bad day, but it's just that I was in a good mood. I'm going to try my hardest to actually try and do something, to try and meet new people, to explore things.
I'm going to lots of new places. I'm going to try and find new things. I'm going to try. I want you to be there with me.
If that didn't make too much sense, what did you expect? it's me talking :P.
Either way, enjoy whatever little sense this made, I'm in a ectastic mood right now, there isn't much that can get me down.
Tell me your secrets,
Ask me your questions,
Oh let's go back to the start...
I do love you all so very much.
Goodbye, Ladies and gentlemen.
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