Neurotic

Inspiration.

There's some things needed to be said. Yes, needed. I'll get to it, I think.

I had a nice, long talk psychology wise with min-taec. There was no motivation for this. In fact, that's been an overriding factor in most of my recent life. Some people have incredibly strong backbones, reliance, strong as a rock. I go the other way. Completely and utterly weak, a wisp to be blown around, gently if possible, enjoying whatever comes through. There's always more to this, though. But you know that already don't you?

YAB is...fun. YAB is nice. YAB is just YAB. Don't make any distinctions about it. I've understood it's occupants. It's an interesting world. I don't really want much of a part of it. You know how I work, individuals, not groups. The only way I value groups is for the precious, beautiful way you don't have to talk much. You listen. You hear and understand, comprehend. You don't have to talk though. I don't like responsibility much.

You should have noticed. Yes, I have been distant from everyone for a while. I've finally committed myself to that oath that I would not hurt my friends. Whether I do this out of love or some other arcane reaction is suspect. If this means that I have to omit the truth, fudge it, evade or outright lie, I am willing to do it. It means too much to myself not to.

Yeah, it's probably right that it would probably be very unlikely to whom I could relate. I wish I could find that person. I wish that I could love that person, and they love me. I mean really love. Love so deep and strong that it makes my heart hurt. Love so deep and strong that it makes my heart hurt all the time. Love so strong that it makes you reel and stagger. It already does. The thing is, I thought/think that I found that person. But I don't believe I understand love. I don't know enough, I haven't experienced enough love in my life to realise what it is. Do you need to? To quote the Flips, what does it matter?

But yet, this poses a problem. Having such a yearning, such a love for a person, it burns inside you. This fire burns ragged holes inside of you, charred-edges of a scarred landscape. It hurts abominably; it doesn't matter. It's not like it's a bad thing. You want to fill that void. Music. Art. Humour. Pain. Beauty. Remember my earlier point about the wisp? Not being beholden to something means that I can't really let myself into it. I can't just let something overtake me, overwhelm me and give me release. Salvation. All those things last for a while. A while only though. Basically meaning your entire meaning of life is constructed by distraction.

I've seen writing that absolutely overwhelms me. Seeing such beauty, such...emotion. Just pure emotion, conveyed so beautifully it moves me to laughter and tears. I wish I could so such a thing. Or the other way around. So perfectly constructed that everything is ordered nicely. This, this, this and then this. Dot points. Numbers. Alphabetised. I wish I could lay everything out like that too. Or either.

I don't mind being alone anymore. I don't see what's so bad about it. I've learnt to enjoy things. I've also learnt to let go. That's the scary part. I wonder how far I can let go. For a good while recently, i've been very suicidal. It was a long-term thing. A project. Declassify myself from existence. No longer a member of a family. No longer a member of the human race. No longer a friend. Go slowly. Alienate everyone. End of year 12, do a angsty piece, leave. Perfect. I realised it was pointless. By my own self-contempt, interestingly.

Ultimately, I may initiate a plan soon that would lead to my eventual downfall. Grandiose words indeed. It would work. I'll die from it, but hey i've had a good run. Life being life showed me that. Maybe I won't start it. Maybe i'll never start it. Do you really want to bet on that?

To summarise: To anyone and everyone who reads this blog, you may NOT ask me questions on my family life. On my personal life. Or my emotions. These three things shit me beyond belief. I absolutely hate these three things. I am not dealing with them. That is how I work. I influence, certainly, not outright deal though. Please don't worry about me.

I'm sorry. I know i've broken things here. But I do believe that truth in small doses is good for you. Atleast that's the way I see this truth.

Also! I can't believe I am saying this, but Christianity helped me plug up a hole I had in one of my theories that i've had for a while and discussed only a little. Okay it wasn't Christ, it was one of his followers. And really it was an accident. And now that I think about it, not a hole, just another argument ^^

Enough of this long post, i'd feel safer if you sorta overlooked it ^^. So will do shifty covert thing. Tchuss!