It just won't stop

Damn you ebay!

I'll recover. In time.

3unit it annoying. Sentence fragments are annoying. I want my candy.

Ancient History is scary! So much to remember...I need to go check my email to make sure I haven't missed anything. Goddamn it.

Have not done enough study. Have to update movie lists. Have to stop talking like I lack a first person.

Oh the humanity. Or lack thereof. Haven't we saved enough daylight already? Why are saving anyway? Is it in case the terrorists hijack the sun?

So open your windows, unless you want the terrorists to win!

I will go to sleep soon, and memorise mnemonics. Or not. Night.

The capitalist system is bunk

or was that history?

It doesn't matter, because i'm not winning. Well, I did win, but it was Pyrrhic. And kinda meaningless, cause I won Existentialism.

Winnah?

So yeah, I won existentialism (snipe that, bitch) and am now waiting for it in the mail. Like a puppy. I also forgot my phone. But it turned up in someone elses hand.

The funny thing was, I was just about to give you guys the domestic phone number, when I was pleasantly informed that my phone was fine. Wow, that was a close call! Hilarious.

Our school is AMAZING. I went to school to inquire about my misplaced phone, when the office lady looks at my Kagan and goes, "Oh I just finished a course in Ancient History at Macquarie." And that's when I started palpitating. See, this is how overqualified our school is. Our office people have skillz. I also went to enquire about fish, and was told they are happy in a pond. So that was good.

And I haven't lost my evil commie touch. I was successful in procuring HOMM3 Complete (no, i'm not going to expand that, if you know it, you know it, if you don't, know that I hate you) which promptly made me lose a couple of days of my life. Yatta. Then I got Close combat 3, which is pretty exactly the same, cept better functionality (and COMMIES!) as the one which I wanted so bad. The tutorial though = crap.

So these two wins have kinda made me not spend so much time on Ebay.

Hah, I lied.

Only a little.

As for study, CRAP. I haven't done...enough. I finished my Kagan, so I am hella prepared for Peloponnesian war, but I havta revise Caesar, Rome and Sparta. Caesar especially. 19/25 tells me to revise :P

As for extension, eh. I did well in trials, so I'll just follow that regime, and I should come out alright. I'm hoping for a band 6 in 3u, if I can.It'll pull up my atrocious english scores atleast.

I've been thinking about nature vs. nurture recently, and the results are inconclusive. I've been thinking about how the me and the cool people I know have turned out, and i'm not sure. I certainly don't think personally, my family played any part in my personality; it was much a friends/me thing. Hell, the way i've turned out was in spite of my family, rather than because of it.

I'm really different from my brothers; both physically and intellectually. Physically, they're more endomorphic. Intellectually, they're nowhere near as inquisitive, not as committed, and nowhere nearly as awesome. Which makes me think that having kids and a family isn't exactly the right way for me to go. Not that it ever was.

That's all I have to say for now, I must motivate myself to study and stop trying to think of the ways in which I could win...games. I will focus on winning the HSC instead! It's like a game, cept it's crap, everyone has to do it, and very few people like it. Graphics are non-existent. Gameplay? Sadistic. And it gives new meaning to phrase 'learning curve'. As for stability, hell no, they release a new patch like every couple years. Wicked retahded indeed. Night.

He's eating his feelings.

Someone nearly as awesome as me.


Feeling a little off. I haven't eaten enough today, and the weather is playing a part too...It's the bad part today. Maybe i'll just read some Martha Nassbaum to reassure myself.


Goddamn it, what happened? Why the fucks have I become so friggin sedate? I'm reduced to reading the goddamn paper for Chrissakes. And why the hell didn't you people react to it?! This is why I propose to get four new friends (in paperback!) in the form Kant, Rousseau, Wittgenstein and Sartre into my life, to make it brighter and cheerier...Or not.


Cept I can't.


Why?


I got sniped.


I fucking got sniped. Not once, not twice, but FOUR times. By the same guy.


In the interests of revenge, i'm publishing the name. Peteo956, I sincerely hope we meet in hell, where I will pummel the crap out of you.


This is all your fault Jared.


I even left his house early to bid on these things...Sonofabitch. I'm pissed yo, and I am so gonna comfort myself (not like that you hussy)


Binge shopping here I come!


In better news, I saw Bob's video. Her mom = awesome actor. Was that even planned?! Did she just walk into the scene exactly like that and you left it in? Cause she was awesome.


See, if I were a sweaty buzzkill, overweight, constantly complaining about my alimony, chainsmoking and Jewish, I would make a great producer/agent! In addition, I could give humourous commentary like this:


Me, the producer/agent: Listen Babs, first things first. Your casting choices. Jared Orth? Who the fuck is that? No one wants to go to a movie and see Jared Orth. He's a nobody. Who's he? That's right, he's replaced. They wanna see all them fancy name stars, like Arnie, before he wussed out and went into politics.


*end me being producer/agent*


Good times.


I'm not feeling well, and I've just been sniped. Bye.

In retrospect

It really has been a very good day.

Except for the sting in the tail. That was mean. There was an article about shopping addicts, and how it was as widespread as obesity, and how the affected are 90 per cent women. I thought I was in the clear, as I lack a vagina (Yes, it IS a good thing.) But then, at the end, they went, men are affected differently. They either keep collections of expensive things, or bid at online auctions.

Screw you buddy. Screw you.

Me wanty.

I didn't study enough. Hell, i'm not studying now. I should be. Either way, I got icecream today! Really nice icecream. From New Zealand Natural. Though I highly doubt their claims of being 'nature's backyard.' My parents bought it for me as a 'treat'. They are awesome like that sometimes. And they gave me chocolate! Huzzah.

I read more Kagan. In the sun. Also, today was a tense day on ebay. I was bidding on one thing, putting off bidding on another, the other fell through, so did this one...it was very tense. For a while I was winning. Long enough for me to feel elated.

Did anyone watch the cricket match? It was quite good! So anticlimatic towards the end though. 2 balls, 2 runs, and then...an edge for four. Eh. Up to that point was hella interesting though. Lee getting Gillespie in the ribs. Hilarious.

I wanna see Me and you and everyone we know. It got a good review, and I am smitten with Miranda July. A performance artist! Hah. Her hair has the weirdest part. And she has huge eyes. We're talking dinner plate here. Damn it, she is making me cheat on Meryl. That hussy. Not that i'm actually sleeping with either of them, but emotionally. That's where it counts. And hurts. *sob*

Jared should know, in contrast to my very nice parents who don't hang up on me, that he is a very bad person, and should feel very guilty. Very bad.

But now, now who has the petty revenge?! That's right me!

I'm going back to study now. Night.

Wow! Britney's got her body back!

Take that, alien bodysnatchers!

It's slightly offputting to realise that Chode has a very similar style of humour to me. However, what he lacks in wit, he makes it up for in...some weird combination of sheer randomness and quantity. I, on the other hand, lack nothing.

Ebay has become that gracious 2nd (third? first even?) home of mine. I've spent enough time on there to realise what is a bargain and what isn't and such. That, and spelling look with @ is always guaranteed to bring in viewers! Or annoy the hell out of me. For example: l@@k! See what I mean?

Also, i'm starting to like the dog. We're both casually indifferent towards each other. I stroke her sometimes, but with no real heart. But she is useful in the sense she starts barking at people. Like an early warning system. She is like the boy who cried wolf, cept this boy is a bitch (oh yeah, legitimate usage...that feels good) and goes woof. We all know what happened to that boy.

So, to date, have not done any maths study. Lounging around, getting a popper out, squeezing the juice out on to a glass, which I then drank with a straw...I feel like the Grand Poo-bah of The Sultanate of Granite Benchtops. I did do some sieging though, a couple of dungeons here and there. Reaffirmed my love of Kagan, whom I will endeavour to buy through any freaking means possible. Now sucking on popper straw. S'alright.

Chomsky won top intellectual! By a long shot too. And here is your moment you're missing out on:

'Wow dad, you saved me from the evil monster!'
'Yeah I do that...Along with needlepoint, which is artsy and relaxing!'

Further proof that Gittins is the...above mediocre-est

Opening paragraph:

The thing that worries me about economic rationalists - and the business people who want the rationalists' policies into practice - is their tendency to eat their babies.

See, if I ever become an economist, I'm not sure whether I would be this cool.

As for me, meh. I'm behaving inefficiently, if baseball and Metal Slug can be called that. This English business is annoying the fuck out of me, i'm at the stage I am willing to memorise essays, mostly because i've read my notes so many freaking times it is meaningless. And so, i'm spending huge amounts of time on Ebay, trawling and watching out for that one special bargain that will change my life. For about 3 days. Then back to trawling.

See, I figure that I can stockpile enough of these bargains, I will never have to go outside, eat, sleep or deal with humanity. EVER AGAIN.

Yes, it's a pipe dream, but we can all agree, dreaming is fun.

I've watched the same scrubs Episode 5 times now. I need to stop.

Did you notice the inversion?

I'm going to waste more time on...funness. Or actual study. It's weird being up early.

EDIT (not a true one): Bird flu is SCARY.

Say it isn't so

That Jared may indeed be accurate with his observations.

I'm doing this when I'm meant to be studying (Bob you must vindicate me on this), but stuff is coming to me really well, and i'm having that sort of inspiration that God would be envious of, even if he granted it.

Besides, I am studying.

I'm feeling sated, after having my supper and more importantly my dose of decent, if not good reading. I'm rereading the FLW again, this time a bit closer and such. It gets too much of a short shrift methinks. Yes yes, wank and all that, but they guy has genuinely cared, and it shows. As postmodern novels go, the guy seems to have his head firmly in place, without sacrificing too much to lameness.

As I was eating, I thought it would be pleasant to watch something to distract myself from this interminable business of eating and living that goes on so much around here. Yes, I understand that it is rather ironic to watch something interminable to distract myself from the same, but I was hoping Spongebob was on. No one finds an animated sponge interminable. It wasn't on.

Harry Potter the 3rd was though, and this is where Jared may (I stress may) be right. The music was...well it was appropriate. It's a good thing that it's called a score; in this case, it may suffice to fix a suffix (ZING!) in front of that to call it an underscore. In that last half hour or so that I watched (think that's an insufficient amount of time to properly judge a movie? Why are you here then?) Every event, every little thing, had its' little sound. It was almost like watching a video game movie, where everything has its pretty little sound. The other thing about the movie was the mature language; the word 'hell' (Which is exactly where you're going, witch spawn Rowling) was heard. In keeping to the religious theme, why did Sirius look like Jesus? (The one from Nazareth, not the bowler.) Speaking of which, why did they put so much effort into the end credits? Maybe if they used that in the movie, it would have turned out better!

Ba-zing!

I actually quite like the movie, or whatever portion I saw of it. But taking shots is more fun. Ooh, double-entendre.

But not really.

Now, I am off to have fun and play the ukelele. Simultaneously.

This is what i've been reduced to

Buying old skool games on Ebay.

And I had nearly had it too. Close Combat: A bridge too far dammit. I loved that game. Played the demo to death squishing people under tanks. I didn't win what I sorta/maybe wanted, so now i'm going to console myself by getting another game. Yup, perfectly logical. See, I figure that if I buy the game(s), I'm not being a filthy rotten commie thief. And save myself dling.

Not Lenny! Leave him alone, damn non-commies!

World XI. Pathetic. Goddamn pathetic.

Journeys is coming along merrily...or should that be Meryl Lee! *teeheehee* I'm starting things that I should done a loooong time ago. Meh, it's journeys.

If I see any more frigging ads for the new workplace relations crap, why I oughta...

On other news, it appears i'm going to BDO! This despite NOT LISTENING to ONE of the several BANDS that HAVE RELEASED a NEW ALBUM.

That looked a lot cooler in my head. Damn.

Oh well, I guess you could listen to the radio, eyes closed, remaining sedentary, perhaps gnawing on a delicious shank of lamb...

It's happened.

I've finally lost it. I've started fantazising about books I don't have but desperately desparately want (read: my knees are more than willing to get these books), and not only that, i'm meeting and admonishing the authors. I'm looking at you, Kagan. You neo-conservative you. Oh silly, now look what you've done. You went and signed the PNAC charter. Now i'm going to rub your nose in it to teach you a lesson not to do it again. You do these outside! Got it?

I'll say it again: Chasing and trying to find out where those damn kookaburras were laughing from was much more entertaining than revising. It also got me thinking about how if you first came to Australia, being used to well, songbirds, you heard this retahded laughing sound, you would be freaked. Also I read this thing about this guy making an album which have birdsongs and such on it. Seems awesome and cool.

I am revising...sorta. Just not well. Or at all.

My mum took away my book. Why is she literate and hurtful!? I have to go prevent rape now. It's not very fun. Night.

Feeling Lousy.

No, this does not mean I am covered in lice. Or have any affection to either turn into or harbour lice.

I had this good time, with nice people, Star Trek fan(s), WoW, hugs and soft hands...

...Yet I have felt really really bad today. I'm guessing atleast some of it was biological; poisons and hormones don't mix, which if you think about it is probably a good thing. The concoction resulting from this mixture would be pure annoyance.

It started out fine enough, I felt alright, a little tight, but fine. But there was this something wrong, something wrong feeling, constantly tugging at me all day. I thought about the events of last night, and I feel bad now. I have absolutely no idea why I did what I did. Just nothing. All that vaunted self-awareness which I have been striving to maintain just went kaput. But intent aside, my actions were appalling. I have no idea why I behaved the way I did. I apologise for my exceedingly rude behaviour. This isn't some societal convention of impoliteness that i'm talking about; it was fundamentally an intellectual transgression against people whom I care about.

I understand that self-justification and rationalisation (as opposed to reason) are crucial in the survival of what could be termed 'normal' human behaviour. The thing is that this skill, which I have paid special attention to and tried to improve over the years, has failed me on this occasion. When self-justification fails, all that hangs over is that futile sense of guilt, of wrongness that is so demoralising.

I spent most of the day unable to face myself, unable to regress to self-loathing, yet unable to face my goddamn courage and move on. I've been (re)reading the French Lieutenant's Woman (more on that hopefully later) and I just couldn't quite force myself to concentrate. My mind just kept going back. I ended up sleeping most of the day or sulking when I wasn't; it didn't help that the entire house was filled with people. Noisy people. I am sorta grateful that I managed to hold out atleast until the late afternoon; facing my relatives (I can't believe I'm related to these people) was atleast an easier prospect with a 'positive' mind.

See, i've been thinking about choice a lot in the past month or so, which for me, or anyone seemingly adolescent, is a very long time (The expansion of consciousness that occurs during this period is amazing, and one hopes it never stops). This is a bit more than that free-will v. determinism debate, which I don't care much about; interesting philosophically, and can be resolved. It's the more fundamental, practical aspects that i'm having trouble with. I've read Lila on this, and I agree with it on the most part. The thing is, it's difficult to ascertain static and dynamic patterns. Sexuality, especially. I'll state my position on this now, in order to avoid backtrack and further explanation. Because I define through action and rather than intent, I look towards the behaviour of people in order to define. I've never really liked the labels of straight, gay, bi, whatever; it's the behaviour which I see as important. Really, I don't see how any form of consensual sexual practice between adults damages society, aside from an assault on outdated sensibilities.

Now, because I see sexuality through a behavioural lens, I see all sexuality as a choice; presumably, there is no force aside from your own biological intent that is driving you to sexual practice. I mean, you can't possibly label someone as straight or gay, if they've never had sex throughout their life. This brings up problems elsewhere though, in that if sex, one of the three base human motivators, is a choice, what else is a choice? I'm really leaning to the free-will side of the crowd, yet I don't really like them because it is still limited.

I've let myself believe that I do control myself, even in something like sex. Then, suddenly, yesteday happened, and I don't feel like i'm controlling anything at all, leaving me with that alarmed and helpless feeling so conducive to being emo. I realise I am being a bit presumptous in thinking I control that much in my life, but if you can't control sex, what can you control?

It's this lack of control that leaves me so goddamn frustrated with myself. Being attracted, atleast sexually, to both sexes is enormously debilitating, the spectre of sex always hangs nearby, threatening to ruin. It's making me very anti-social, and I don't like it. I'm wondering whether i'm just sexually motivated the way I am in order to get people to like me, or love me even. If it's true, and it's a possibility, it's lame and more than a little pathetic.

I was thinking to call someone and just talk for a little while, and hopefully relax a little, but was too plagued by guilt and indecision to do it. I don't particularly know the limits of forgiveness, but i'd rather keep a large reserve just in case. Either way, this is what thing is meant to be, something in a way that could be cathartic and hopefully to getting it to leave me the fuck alone, so I can get onto the important things in life, like revision. Joy.

In the few moments that I managed to control myself and read, I realised just how petty and provinicial my extended family is. It's so fucking narrow-minded and inane, and yet these people behave as though they are socially superior. My family looks awesome compared to this. Hell, my family is a fucking saint in the light of this. I'm not going to go too much further on this, lest I fall prey to ironic bigotry.

I don't know how i'm going to spend the rest of the night, which i'll be awake for atleast a while. If I calm down, I'll read more of my fun comic books and absorb stuff, and see if I can clean up my room and get my notes in order. If not, I have no idea. I might just watch something mindless on tv for a little while first, hopefully Little Britain is still running.

Something is weird here. I've had incidents like these before, but they've never provoked such a crisis of faith. Either way, it shouldn't matter in the long run, and I've come out fine. To whoever is reading this, take care. Night.

While i'm bleeding

I didn't realise that it was my 300th post yesterday. Damn I waste a lot of time on these things.

It's time for your 15 minute politics lesson! There's even a treat at the end involving Darwin.

The much needed critique of liberal democracy has increasingly been coming from 'communitarians'. They maintain that if society and even democracy are to work, they need strong community ties and plenty of civic virtue. Rights should therefore be accompanied by social responsibilities, and we need a concept of 'the common good.' We emphasize our interdependence, our embeddedness in various communities, the duties we owe to each other as well the advantages of mutual solidarity and the importance of economic, political and cultural localism. To quote Robert D. Putnam: "strong and free government depends on a virtuous and public-spirited citizenry."

However, two problems emerge: Communitarianism is strong on community but weaker on citizenship. While it is true that liberal democracy risks producing a non-society of passive and isolated individuals, communitarians risk producing an alternative of regressive communities, based on ethnic and other exclusive identities, which are internally repressive and externally hostile. (important phrase, remember it.)

A classic example of this are the kibbutzim in Israel. They are internally repressive in that the "kibbutz came to mean not merely socialist production and collectivist agriculture, but collectivised family life and socialised child-rearing. Mothers and fathers saw almost nothing of their own children, boys and girls were encouraged to think of the kibbutz itself as their parent, and the most despised values were individuality and privacy."(from this.) Chomsky describes the kibbutzim he was in had an incredibly macho culture in it; all the boys in the kibbutz had been in the Army, and were expected to maintain that ideology. They are externally hostile in that they are racially hostile; Chomsky left his kibbutz due to the 'appalling' level of racism exhibited against Arabs and Palestinians.

The second problem is that communitarians often fail to recognise the extent to which commercial market forces are now able to corrupt communities. Nevertheless, this is an enormous challenge, but it cannot be forever avoided. Given the problems of communism, it may stand a better chance of resolution as an issue of civic republicanism.

If you read through all that, it's a tortoise!

Ain't it precious? And it's not just any tortoise, it was Darwin's tortoise. She's very old. And she lives in Australia Zoo! I wanna visit and see if it gives any clues that Darwin was WRONG. Damn sinful bastard. Only the will of our Lord kept this tortoise alive!

Tortoise 1, Darwin 0.

I also finished past HSC maths paper. Granted, it was the 2004 paper, which apparently was so easy that our school performed too well on it, and so had to be audited. So maybe it didn't count. Maybe you don't count. Nyau.

Making impressions.

Hey man, that's not cool.

- Fish found at Makeout Reef making out with a pillow.

Indeed, if that's not cool, what is?

I'll tell you what's cool. You can rely on me for that. Currently, souffles are cool. Dirty dirty fingernails are not. At ALL.

Debating on whether I should to teh beach morrow. I do need to study English and it would be nice, but...I am also le tired. So far it looks like the French will win.

Hah. As if the French won anything. Unless this was Civ, and I was the Joan of Arc(why??).

I also need to get a present. Or maybe someone will give me a present, thereby short-circuiting that tedious and circuitous process of getting a present.

I am being sinful by not studying. I'll go do that now.