Feeling Lousy.

No, this does not mean I am covered in lice. Or have any affection to either turn into or harbour lice.

I had this good time, with nice people, Star Trek fan(s), WoW, hugs and soft hands...

...Yet I have felt really really bad today. I'm guessing atleast some of it was biological; poisons and hormones don't mix, which if you think about it is probably a good thing. The concoction resulting from this mixture would be pure annoyance.

It started out fine enough, I felt alright, a little tight, but fine. But there was this something wrong, something wrong feeling, constantly tugging at me all day. I thought about the events of last night, and I feel bad now. I have absolutely no idea why I did what I did. Just nothing. All that vaunted self-awareness which I have been striving to maintain just went kaput. But intent aside, my actions were appalling. I have no idea why I behaved the way I did. I apologise for my exceedingly rude behaviour. This isn't some societal convention of impoliteness that i'm talking about; it was fundamentally an intellectual transgression against people whom I care about.

I understand that self-justification and rationalisation (as opposed to reason) are crucial in the survival of what could be termed 'normal' human behaviour. The thing is that this skill, which I have paid special attention to and tried to improve over the years, has failed me on this occasion. When self-justification fails, all that hangs over is that futile sense of guilt, of wrongness that is so demoralising.

I spent most of the day unable to face myself, unable to regress to self-loathing, yet unable to face my goddamn courage and move on. I've been (re)reading the French Lieutenant's Woman (more on that hopefully later) and I just couldn't quite force myself to concentrate. My mind just kept going back. I ended up sleeping most of the day or sulking when I wasn't; it didn't help that the entire house was filled with people. Noisy people. I am sorta grateful that I managed to hold out atleast until the late afternoon; facing my relatives (I can't believe I'm related to these people) was atleast an easier prospect with a 'positive' mind.

See, i've been thinking about choice a lot in the past month or so, which for me, or anyone seemingly adolescent, is a very long time (The expansion of consciousness that occurs during this period is amazing, and one hopes it never stops). This is a bit more than that free-will v. determinism debate, which I don't care much about; interesting philosophically, and can be resolved. It's the more fundamental, practical aspects that i'm having trouble with. I've read Lila on this, and I agree with it on the most part. The thing is, it's difficult to ascertain static and dynamic patterns. Sexuality, especially. I'll state my position on this now, in order to avoid backtrack and further explanation. Because I define through action and rather than intent, I look towards the behaviour of people in order to define. I've never really liked the labels of straight, gay, bi, whatever; it's the behaviour which I see as important. Really, I don't see how any form of consensual sexual practice between adults damages society, aside from an assault on outdated sensibilities.

Now, because I see sexuality through a behavioural lens, I see all sexuality as a choice; presumably, there is no force aside from your own biological intent that is driving you to sexual practice. I mean, you can't possibly label someone as straight or gay, if they've never had sex throughout their life. This brings up problems elsewhere though, in that if sex, one of the three base human motivators, is a choice, what else is a choice? I'm really leaning to the free-will side of the crowd, yet I don't really like them because it is still limited.

I've let myself believe that I do control myself, even in something like sex. Then, suddenly, yesteday happened, and I don't feel like i'm controlling anything at all, leaving me with that alarmed and helpless feeling so conducive to being emo. I realise I am being a bit presumptous in thinking I control that much in my life, but if you can't control sex, what can you control?

It's this lack of control that leaves me so goddamn frustrated with myself. Being attracted, atleast sexually, to both sexes is enormously debilitating, the spectre of sex always hangs nearby, threatening to ruin. It's making me very anti-social, and I don't like it. I'm wondering whether i'm just sexually motivated the way I am in order to get people to like me, or love me even. If it's true, and it's a possibility, it's lame and more than a little pathetic.

I was thinking to call someone and just talk for a little while, and hopefully relax a little, but was too plagued by guilt and indecision to do it. I don't particularly know the limits of forgiveness, but i'd rather keep a large reserve just in case. Either way, this is what thing is meant to be, something in a way that could be cathartic and hopefully to getting it to leave me the fuck alone, so I can get onto the important things in life, like revision. Joy.

In the few moments that I managed to control myself and read, I realised just how petty and provinicial my extended family is. It's so fucking narrow-minded and inane, and yet these people behave as though they are socially superior. My family looks awesome compared to this. Hell, my family is a fucking saint in the light of this. I'm not going to go too much further on this, lest I fall prey to ironic bigotry.

I don't know how i'm going to spend the rest of the night, which i'll be awake for atleast a while. If I calm down, I'll read more of my fun comic books and absorb stuff, and see if I can clean up my room and get my notes in order. If not, I have no idea. I might just watch something mindless on tv for a little while first, hopefully Little Britain is still running.

Something is weird here. I've had incidents like these before, but they've never provoked such a crisis of faith. Either way, it shouldn't matter in the long run, and I've come out fine. To whoever is reading this, take care. Night.